This post goes round and round in my head. Then I am not sure if I am ready to say what I mean, I fear perhaps it will sound disconnected and rambling. So I am just going to go for it.
I do not know if I have ever really known of or believed in racism. I'm white (shocking, I know :) and of course I know about the history of our country. I have read books, both fiction and truth that spoke of the many battles involved in securing equal rights. I have heard my share of racial slurs and jokes. I know there are statistics that tell us white men still have an advantage in the work place and the stereotypes are rampant. But I don't think it ever made sense to me.
Growing up I went to schools with kids who were white. (Sean on the other hand was one of 3 white kids!) Looking back I know that among my closer friends one boy's parents were from Thailand, one girl was adopted from Guatemala and another guy was Native American. The mere fact that those details stand out says volumes. However, at the time I do not think we noticed or cared outside of school assignments that asked us to identify our backgrounds. My father often used terms that sounded awful and racist, however I never once witnessed him acting out that prejudice. He was a business man and through his associates I was introduced to the food and culture of people from around the world. I knew that despite his insensitive comments he really respected (or at times detested) people as individuals.
Once I left my parents home I moved to Madison, WI. Madison is a wonderful multicultural city, and while there is no doubt the population is less diverse than some cities there is an abundance of equality and acceptance. Never was a person's race an issue with my friends, peers or in any job. Pokes and digs were exchanged quite fairly!
So why talk about his now? I guess I am getting an education, and maybe it is better now than later. Of course we knew that a Haitian child would "stand out" in our family. However, so does our first adopted daughter. We have gotten used to the questions "Why doesn't she look like you" or "Where is she from" (While I answer honestly about her adoption, Sean takes pleasure in giving random answers that leave people confused) and I expected the same would be true.
Many people have asked questions. Some valid, some very rude. I have learned that many people, including Christians categorize other humans by preconceived ideas about the color (and hue) of their skin! I probably should not be shocked by this, but I really am. A few people have asked what "The people look like" in Haiti. I don't quite know what to say. I know they mean race, but, what to the people in Germany look like? How about Mexico, Australia?
The issue most often raised to us is if it is fair to her to be adopted by a white family. I am not sure if it is "fair". Our family visited a "black church" while we were looking for a church in a new town. It was intentional, we had heard the church referred to as "The Black Church". We were unprepared however for the record-scratching-to-a-stop pause when we, a noticeably large white family walked in the door. We smiled and introduced ourselves and ultimately enjoyed the service quite a bit. As we left a woman asked us why we would come there. Sean said "we were just looking for a good church". I think that is what people mean by "fair". We do not look the same. She will occasionally have to explain why her parents and siblings do not look like her. If she does experience racism we will not be able to speak from previous experience, there will be misconceptions. Without a doubt there are things that will be difficult.
All that said, who is to say a child from Russia or the Ukraine would not experience these same things!!! Since when do all white people look so generic than any white child, chosen at random could be assumed to be genetically mine? People have suggested we could have adopted an Asian child. Sure, they would look just like my blond haired, green eyed daughter. We would never have to explain an adoption. Sorry, sarcastic anger taking over....
Our daughter Sophia has lost both of her natural parents. She has scars from living an extremely difficult young life. Many, many children like her will not live to be adopted. That is what is unfair. That her absolutely beautiful dark skin would cause someone to turn her away, is more "unfair" than I can deal with. The rest is just life.
To share some experiences:
while speaking with a woman I mentioned we were adopting from Haiti. She looked uncomfortable and then replied "I have a neighbor from the Philippines". Confused, I asked if her neighbor was adopting. She said. "No, I just know her". And what??? Both Islands? We both dropped it.
An area family is adopting from Russia. They were having a fundraiser selling fireworks for the 4th of July. I wanted to support them so we found their tent and bought some things. We were the only people there so I shared that we also were adopting internationally. They seemed excited and asked where from. When I replied "Haiti" everything changed. The man took two steps back and said he could never have "adopted a child from that climate". I didn't get it so I told him that we were hoping to bring her home is the summer so the cold and snow were not such a shock! He stared blankly at me and I wondered what I missed. I figured it out on the way home.
My husband was speaking with a couple who we knew had adopted their son. He told them we were adopting again and they were happy. Sean mentioned Haiti and the man stopped him, telling him that if he had known we wanted a "black child" he could have gotten us one for $500.
I could go on and on, there are worse stories. I never knew! Just this week I read of a star college football player who is receiving threats because he plans to marry his cheerleader girlfriend who is white. A white family who adopted a Haitian child received similar threats. How is it possible that this still exists? Between multi-racial marriages and international adoptions, mixed race families are hardly unusual today. I guess the fact the the world could condemn people for something so inconsequential doesn't surprise me, but the fact that church going Christians can behave this way, and not even know it is wrong. I don't get it.
