August 2007 update picture!

This month I cried when I opened this picture. She looks older, and she has a runny nose. I want her home, sometimes I feel like my heart will break from not being able to care for her. In moments of great frustration, I wonder what it would cost to live in Haiti for a while...(with the rest of my family, of course) just to be with my daughter, just so that she could get to know me and and could wrap her up and tell her it is all going to be ok.

Our home study has hit a few snags, they are things we can overcome but the delays are painful. Every extra step is us costing time, time that we will not be able to have her home. We expected to submit our Dossier to Haiti (The last step in our hands) in October, but now it is looking for like February since we have to wait for our 2008 tax return (2007 does not show enough income) We also will need to finish some work on our home that we did not expect would need to be done. We had such high hopes of bringing her home next summer. We know God is in control, he knew our income, none of this is a surprise to him.

I have to admit I am struggling a bit. The reasons are obvious, my prayer time, time in the word, and time of sacrifice have not been near what they should. I have been here before but I feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling, my praise is half-hearted. I do not want to be here, I argue with myself because on the one hand I feel like it has been a long time since I heard from God and on the other I know that even when I sit down to pray for take out my bible that my thoughts stray and I find it hard to concentrate. I wish I could remember how I have worked through this before... I genuinely want God's direction, His desires but my every step and action seems to betray that. I want to shout out...What is wrong with me??? Funny...its not a faith issue! I know God cares about me! It is not a belief issue...my belief is strong! It is more like when you sit down with a good friend and then don't know what to say. It feels awful. When I am out of touch with God it affects my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my desire to help people, my desire to simply do the things that are right.

I have plenty of blessings to be positive about! Even her adoption is a positive thing. I am not sad about the events of life or looking for sympathy... I would guess most of us, as Christians have felt ar from God, even at times when it was not logical. I know I have been amazed how, even in these times of spiritual low-ness God has come through for me in some really big ways. It makes me feel humble, guilty, undeserving, but it also demonstrates just how much God loves me. It is the flip side to the question of why sometimes we can pray and fast, and read the word, and do everything it seems God would desire and yet have worldly disappointments!

Still, I want to be on a flight to Haiti. It is not that I do not love and appreciate my children at home, I do! But one is missing, just as if she had been taken from me. The emotions are unexpected, and sometimes I am so overwhelmed by them. It does not make sense.

This week I am planning Anna and Zaia's birthday parties. Out of the blue it hit me that Sophia will have her next birthday at the orphanage, with little fanfare and certainly without the growing stack of birthday cards and daily arriving gifts. She will be five, all by her self.