My plan, Sean's plan, God's plan...

Where do they intersect?

I spent the past week visiting family out of town. My cousin Chris graduated high school. He is also my Godson and a really awesome guy. He is headed off to college to play football. I am so proud of him, in a sea of selfish, self-absorbed teens he really stands out.

During the trip we visited downtown Chicago and Navy Pier, Brookfield Zoo, and even saw a dolphin show. My kids had a great time and are probably going to need some re-training after all the spoiling they received from family!

Last winter we took guardianship of a little girl. We had her for quite a long time and I got used to looking after 5 children. We even divided household chores into 5 zones and it just has not worked as well since she went home. We knew this child was not our daughter, and unlike other foster chilren that have lived in our home she never really felt like part of our family. However it was her leaving that made me realize that I had room in my heart and home for a 5th child. When I looked around, it always seemed like someone was missing!

I now feel that I know that my missing child is in Haiti. My heart is so lonely for her! Even as I enjoyed all the fun with my children (and I really did) a part of me was sad. One of my kids is not here! In fact... I do not even know this childs name, I have not seen a picture, and only God could tell me who it is.

Over the weekend Sean and I had a really intense heart-to-heart talk about our adoption. He has so much going on with trying to balance full time school, full time work, and planning to take his youth group on a terribly under-funded missions trip to Mexico next month. He is concerned about moving in our own time and strength rather than waiting on God. I have to admit, I am not a terribly patient person! I will push and make things happen, and for the most part I believe that I can do that and still work within God's plan. Sean does not push. He waits on the Lord. He is extremely patient and long-suffering. He also will not be pushed... by me or anyone else! So while I just want to know who my child is, I am ready and willing to accept a referral, he is not. He says we must wait and in God's perfect time he will fully reveal to us if and when we should adopt a child, and who that child is. He has admitted, it could happen quickly. It also could take the rest of the year.

This is so hard for me! Yes, I know I said ME, and I am being selfish, though really trying not to. It is hard for Sean too. The monthly picture updates from our Orphanage in Haiti came out a few days ago. I scanned through them, praying for the children to go home quickly to their families. I was unprepared for the wave of emotion that occured when I saw Sophia's picture. I didn't even know I would recognize her for sure, but I did. My heart skipped and tears welled up. I know Sean had committed his whole heart to her, and I think that is a bigger thing than I can realize. He simply does not open himself up like that. He told me he is worried about bonding. Never with Sophia, he felt that if he so knew something was from God, that he could face any obstacle. But when he looks at the other pictures, he just sees children. Someone else's children.

I wonder about lots of things, like if this is part of the reason the Hauge convention and many people and even countries oppose photo listings. Had we not chosen a child or knew anything about her, but simply recieved an envelope in the mail assigning us a child, would he then have been able to trust that it was God's choice?

I knew there would a lot of waiting and missing my child. I felt reasonably prepared. I did not know I would have to wait to know who the child was, and therefore the wait to bring them home has not even begun. It has to be God's plan before it can be ours. It has to be revealed to Sean even before I get to know! It is a tough lesson for me. I trust in God, his divine plan, and in my husband's lead. Maybe I need to repeat that 10 times....