About Sophia:

I wish I knew everything. I wish I could tell you what it is like to hold her when she cries, her favorite color, I want to know the smell of her hair, and the sound of her voice. It will be a long time before I know so many of those things. With 4 children at home I cannot travel on a moments notice, and Sean will use all of his vacation time taking his youth group on a missions trip to Mexico next month (Had we known, they could have gone to Haiti!)

I am extremely excited to be expecting a CD of pictures and perhaps even a video very soon. While pictures are a poor substitute for meeting her in person, I will be so thankful to have them!

So, here is what we do know. Sophia shares a birthday with Joe, She is 4 years old now and while we can hope... it is most likely she will be well into her 5th year before she comes home. Her mother died of an illness when Sophia was very young, her father was killed by a gunshot more recently. She does have a Grandmother who loves her, however at 53 she is already very old for a Haitian woman and can not provide food or shelter for herself, much less a child. Honestly, it makes me wish I could bring them both here!

I have been told that Sophia has a lot of energy and is very sweet. I wish I knew more!

Help for those who are new to this blogging stuff...

A few people have mentioned to me that they could only read the most recent post or could not find any previous information. If you look on the left side of the screen there is an "archive" of all the previous posts. Click the arrow next to June to open a list of older post titles. The bottom one will be the first post and then you can work up from there if you want to read the posts in order. Also, the "For His Glory" pictures on the side are all all videos!

Next week, pictures of Sophia!!!!!!!!!!

The Most Amazing Post....Ever!

I am overwhelmed with joy and thanksgiving as I write this.

This morning I received a call from the director of the orphanage. It seems that the family who was adopting Sophia read my blog, and after much prayer feel that she is really our child! They contacted the director and we now have the opportunity to adopt her!

This is the single most Christ like thing anyone has ever done for me. My gratitude is inexplicable. They have given up a child who would be theirs, a child who they have spent time with and prepared to welcome into their family because they really believe that is was God's plan for her to belong to us. What an incredible gift they have given us.

It is my understanding that this family did not have peace about adopting Sophia, and wondered why it was difficult to bond with her. I am blown away by the way God has worked in this situation, it is completely beyond anything I have personally experienced.

So, it is with great excitement that we announce:

We have a daughter in Haiti,

and her name is Sophia Luc!

My plan, Sean's plan, God's plan...

Where do they intersect?

I spent the past week visiting family out of town. My cousin Chris graduated high school. He is also my Godson and a really awesome guy. He is headed off to college to play football. I am so proud of him, in a sea of selfish, self-absorbed teens he really stands out.

During the trip we visited downtown Chicago and Navy Pier, Brookfield Zoo, and even saw a dolphin show. My kids had a great time and are probably going to need some re-training after all the spoiling they received from family!

Last winter we took guardianship of a little girl. We had her for quite a long time and I got used to looking after 5 children. We even divided household chores into 5 zones and it just has not worked as well since she went home. We knew this child was not our daughter, and unlike other foster chilren that have lived in our home she never really felt like part of our family. However it was her leaving that made me realize that I had room in my heart and home for a 5th child. When I looked around, it always seemed like someone was missing!

I now feel that I know that my missing child is in Haiti. My heart is so lonely for her! Even as I enjoyed all the fun with my children (and I really did) a part of me was sad. One of my kids is not here! In fact... I do not even know this childs name, I have not seen a picture, and only God could tell me who it is.

Over the weekend Sean and I had a really intense heart-to-heart talk about our adoption. He has so much going on with trying to balance full time school, full time work, and planning to take his youth group on a terribly under-funded missions trip to Mexico next month. He is concerned about moving in our own time and strength rather than waiting on God. I have to admit, I am not a terribly patient person! I will push and make things happen, and for the most part I believe that I can do that and still work within God's plan. Sean does not push. He waits on the Lord. He is extremely patient and long-suffering. He also will not be pushed... by me or anyone else! So while I just want to know who my child is, I am ready and willing to accept a referral, he is not. He says we must wait and in God's perfect time he will fully reveal to us if and when we should adopt a child, and who that child is. He has admitted, it could happen quickly. It also could take the rest of the year.

This is so hard for me! Yes, I know I said ME, and I am being selfish, though really trying not to. It is hard for Sean too. The monthly picture updates from our Orphanage in Haiti came out a few days ago. I scanned through them, praying for the children to go home quickly to their families. I was unprepared for the wave of emotion that occured when I saw Sophia's picture. I didn't even know I would recognize her for sure, but I did. My heart skipped and tears welled up. I know Sean had committed his whole heart to her, and I think that is a bigger thing than I can realize. He simply does not open himself up like that. He told me he is worried about bonding. Never with Sophia, he felt that if he so knew something was from God, that he could face any obstacle. But when he looks at the other pictures, he just sees children. Someone else's children.

I wonder about lots of things, like if this is part of the reason the Hauge convention and many people and even countries oppose photo listings. Had we not chosen a child or knew anything about her, but simply recieved an envelope in the mail assigning us a child, would he then have been able to trust that it was God's choice?

I knew there would a lot of waiting and missing my child. I felt reasonably prepared. I did not know I would have to wait to know who the child was, and therefore the wait to bring them home has not even begun. It has to be God's plan before it can be ours. It has to be revealed to Sean even before I get to know! It is a tough lesson for me. I trust in God, his divine plan, and in my husband's lead. Maybe I need to repeat that 10 times....

Peace in the Storm.

Sean's school work has taken up nearly all his "spare" time. He comes home, eats dinner, reads the bible to the kids, blesses them, and then disappears into his study den until 11:30 or so. He has been making an effort to take one weekend day off, but we have not had a lot of time to just be together.

Wednesday night we had quite a few big thunderstorms roll through our area. The "surge protectors" we have on our computer and electronics are of questionable age and quality so we always unplug everything when storms are forecast. (Or at least after hearing the big "National Weather Service advisory alarm on the radio!)

Once kids were tucked into bed we walked outside to watch the storm approach. The clouds were moving really fast and the sky was that odd yellow that precedes a big thunderstorm. We sat out front and looked up at the sky. Just ahead of the dark mass of clouds were long streaks of bright silver, it was really beautiful and unlike anything I had seen before. It didn't occur to be to get a camera, of course. The storm moved over us but the rain did not come right away. We could see lighting jumping from cloud to could above us. The thunder remained distant and we just sat. Joe was outside playing in the front yard with a ball, quite content to have it all to himself. I leaned against Sean's shoulder and we did not talk. The wind came and began to blow the trees hard, and eventually with the first giant rain drops we went inside.

Eventually, sitting in our darkened living room after Joe was asleep we began to talk quietly. Rain pounded on out roof and we still watched lightning all around. We talked about the feelings of hurt and loss that seem almost misplaced considering we never knew this child outside of our hearts and a picture. We talked about the selfishness of wanting her for ourselves, after all, she is not lost, but has a family that loves her! We talked about what comes next; and about the frustration of not knowing the eternal purpose for things that do not make sense to us.

There are still a lot of questions, many that I suspect will never be answered. There are also still thousands of orphans in Haiti, and they still need families and homes. I have always been sort of a "get right back on the horse" type person. So... we will continue on. Referrals from Haiti can come very quickly, there are so many children waiting. So, hopefully... in the spirit of my very bi-polar blog... I will soon be announcing that there is a child (Boy or girl between the ages of 0-6 :-) and that we are delighted to call that child ours. Thank you for all your prayers, we feel very blessed by the outpouring of sympathy and support!

Wondering...

Sean's reaction to the news about Sophia was not suprising. He simply said "Then we are done". He does not believe we should continue to persue an adoption from Haiti. I am giving him time. I know that while he may not exhibit the obvious signs of hurt and shock that I do, he is hurting just as much. It will be hard for either of us to transfer those emotions to the adoption of another child. Just Sunday night he told his family. My Mom talked to my Dad. Somehow telling the people in our family who we expected to disapprove made the adoption that much more real. Of course they were all told about Sophia, about the name, birth date, etc. These are not people with faith in God. It actually worried me that they might think we did not hear from God, or worse that we did and he let us down. It is hard for us to understand. Last night I noticed those obvious signs of shock. My food did not taste, I failed to notice anything about the temperature of the house, and my blood pressure was so high at bedtime that I could hear the thuds in my pillow. I do not know the reason for this journey. I would much rather we did not have to take it! I want to open the mailbox and take out the referral contract and pictures we expected to receive this week, to hear that once again it was all a big mistake, that our daughter is waiting for us.

There are a lot of orphans in Haiti, and they all need homes. I expect that we will heal and accept a referral, and that whatever her story, it will not be long before we cannot imagine life without that child in it.

No one said it would be easy...

When I began writing this blog I made a commitment to myself to keep it honest and straight forward, not to sugar coat things or leave out important moments just because they were difficult or unpleasant. Today has turned into one of those days. It seems very surreal. I got a simple message today. It said:

"It turns out the both Sophias are the same girl. I'm so sorry. I know this will be difficult news. I believe that God has a special child/ren just for you and in His time, He will reveal them to you. "

What this means is simple. For whatever reason I do not have a daughter named Sophia in Haiti. My Mom was with me when I got the simple version... she was "not available". I have to admit, I refused to believe it! What about all the rest? The name, the birth date? I felt...FEEL like she is my daughter. How could I go from looking at middle names for her yesterday to not having a child today? We thought that this week we would have a new picture, we planned to send out announcements as soon as we had the official picture and paper in hand. Like most parents who are expecting we could not wait to share the news and find out everything about her!

It feels a lot like a miscarriage. Oddly enough I am taking comfort in that. A few months before becoming pregnant with our son Joe I miscarried. We had been so excited about the pregnancy because we had very clearly heard God promise us a son. The same day that I heard that promise I went home and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! Sean began calling the baby Captain. He said he had always thought "Captain O'Carroll" had a nice ring to it. When I lost that baby it was physically, mentally and spiritually one of the most difficult things that has happened to me. Why had God promised a son and then taken him away before he was born?

Just a short time later a good friend was expecting. I heard her children refer to the baby as "Captain!" We had not even mentioned Sean calling his son Captain and I didn't say anything then. When her baby was born they asked us to be his God-parents. It was one of the few times I have seen my husband cry. While, as Christians we do not believe that it is the same baby or spirit, I do believe that some how it was significant. I pray for Captain a lot... and he means something really special to me because he is "Captain".

We did have a son about a year later, and he is amazing. We no longer mourn the child that we lost because we can now see the beauty of God's plan. This gives me encouragement that the absolute sadness I feel today (boy, this blog really is bi-polar) will somehow be a part of God's revealing himself to me in a way that is greater than I can imagine.